Knocked Up
Starring: Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl
Written and Directed by: Judd Apatow

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Rating: 4 (out of 5)

I should probably preface this by stating the obvious: Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen are two of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet, period.

Apatow in particular is a near-God to me. He created two of the greatest TV shows ever made: Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared - both of which co-starred Rogen, by the way. He also wrote and directed The 40 Year Old Virgin, which will go down in my books as one of the all-out funniest movies ever made.

Having said all that, giving an Apatow movie a 4-star rating is, quite frankly, a mild disappointment. It's still better most of the absolute shit that gets greenlit these days, but I expect a 4.5 MINIMUM. Quit slacking, Apatow!

"I don't believe it...Naked finally updated his website!"

I kid, of course. Please, Judd, return my calls.

This time out, he's cast Rogen as his lead...which, as far as I'm concerned, is about time. The cat's hysterical. I'm not the only one applauding this choice, either. Months ago, when I first heard about this picture, I mentioned to Morn - also a Rogen fan - that he was going to have his own starring vehicle. I'm pretty she drooled a little.

Anyway, here Rogen plays Ben, a likable dope who shares a house with 4 stoner buddies. This is also an excuse for a virtual Freaks and Geeks/Undeclared reunion. Almost all of these guys were on one or both shows. There's Jason (Jason Segel), Jay (Jay Baruchel), Martin (Martin Starr), and Jonah (Jonah Hill). Their life consists of smoking pot, fart jokes, smoking pot, trying to launch a Mr. Skin-style website, and smoking pot. Oh, I should probably point out that they smoke pot too. Basically, the biggest problem with their lives is the fact that I'm not living it myself.

Stoners never really understand how to do the YMCA dance.

Then there's Alison (the super-hot Heigl). She's the total opposite. She plays a production assistant for E! television. Essentially, this means working with Ryan Seacrest - which means she's in hell. I kid, of course...kind of. I firmly believe that Seacrest may be the biggest douchenozzle on the planet, but at least in this movie he goes a full-on rant about celebrities that cracked me right up. It's almost worth the ticket price alone. But he's still a douchenozzle.

Anyway, the "brass" at E! (in this case, Alan Tudyk and a hilarious Kristen Wiig) come up with the novel idea that - since they have one of the hottest women on the planet working there - maybe she should be on camera. What geniuses. Here's a tip for all you budding studio or TV moguls...if you have the chance to put Katherine Heigl on camera, DO IT! I don't care if you're shooting a hemorrhoid cream commercial, or a new infomercial for the Magic Bullet...just fucking do it. My penis will thank you for it.

If they had her in real life, maybe somebody would finally start watching E!

So Alison decides to go out clubbing to celebrate with her fucking SHREW of a sister, Debbie (Leslie Mann). Before you think I'm being mean, I think Mann is awesome. She was one of the funniest things in The 40 Year Old Virgin. My friend Red cracks me up ALL the time doing her impression of Mann's drunk-chick character ("Let's get some fuckin' FREEEENCH TOOOOAST!") Mann rules...but her character here? CUNT, with a capital C and a capital UNT behind it.

While there, Alison and Ben start chatting, and he manages to charm the socks off of her. Actually, he charms everything off of her except her bra. Quit slacking, Rogen! I wanted to see some Heigl-boobie. You owe my penis an apology.

At any rate, they do the mommy-daddy dance. But in a rushed moment of misunderstanding, Ben doesn't bother wrapping his rascal. And that, my friends, is where the title of the movie comes in. Clever, no?

"So...do you like...stuff?"

So, in one of those things that only seems to happen in the movies, they decide to make a go of a relationship. I say "only in the movies" because none of the dozens of chicks I've knocked up want to have anything to do with me. It's like my man-mustard is kryptonite or something. Or maybe it's just my winning personality. No, that can't be it...it's probably my bad baby batter.

Hilarity, naturally, ensues. On one side, Ben has his stoner friends - who, by the way, occasionally smoke some pot. On the other side, Alison has her cunty sister and her very cool husband Pete (Paul Rudd). They have nothing in common, other than a few strands of DNA in Alison's baby factory. Madcap zaniness is on the menu!

Laugh all you want...I've lived in smaller places.

It's actually a very simple premise...movies like this have been made before. They just aren't usually this funny. I know I tend to use hyperbole a wee bit, but I can honestly say this movie doesn't go a minute without a huge laugh. That's thanks to Apatow's sharp writing. He writes the kind of dialogue that just feels natural, even while it's cracking you up. It's largely improvised, which helps, but it's just plain smart.

He also has a flair for creating characters who feel real. In "Virgin", the 4 guys working in the store FELT like real guys, doing real-guy things - smashing light bulbs out of boredom, for example. He does the same thing here...the roommates all really FEEL like real, immature, stoner dudes. Not to give anything away, but the scene where they explain how they all got pinkeye literally had me screaming with laughter.

Not everybody can pull off the whole "yarmulke" thing.

Then there's the scene where Ben and Pete are taking a road trip to Vegas. Pete pulls out a bag of shrooms...funny enough. But when he looks over and slyly says "I got us Cirque de Soleil tickets" I just about fell out of my seat. The scene that follows is funny, sure, but for some reason the mere THOUGHT of shrooming out at Cirque had me in stitches. It's just the kind of thing guys do...because we're all immature and more or less retarded.

Casting Rogen was an excellent choice. Not only is he a great comic actor, but it turns out he does well with the dramatic moments too. I don't think this will be the last time we see him in a lead role. As for Heigl, she's a lot funnier than I would have thought. Plus, she's fun to look at...oh sweet mother of Neptune, is she ever fun to look at. Rudd is a riot, as always...actually, there isn't really a bad performance in this sucker.

"Man, this guy's website is a fucking MESS..."

There is, however, one aspect of this flick that fails in comparison to Virgin. In that flick, there wasn't a single un-likable character. There were no villains, and that made for a refreshing change. In Knocked Up, there are a handful of jerks. Alison's shrewy twat of a sister left me feeling cold. I didn't like her and couldn't feel any sympathy for her whatsoever, even when we were SUPPOSED to. The same went for one of the roommates, Jonah. He was just a dick, and at times I couldn't understand why the rest of the guys put up with his shit. I'm not knocking the performances at all...just the characters. To be fair though, both characters have hilarious scenes and lines. Jonah is even in a hilarious deleted scene that has been posted on YouTube...it's funny, funny shit.

But the key thing to remember about this movie is it's FUNNY. Genuine, honest laughs from start to finish. Of course now I want to see Rogen's next movie Superbad even more.

"Smile! Your vagina is about to be uploaded to YouTube!"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to see if I can get some of this bad man-mustard out of my system. But I'll be looking at pictures of Heigl while I do it. I'm dedicated that way.

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